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• anticipating the death of a loved one?
• grieving?

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Hospice Yukon Society
409 Jarvis Street
Whitehorse, Yukon
Canada Y1A 2H4

Open Monday to Friday
11:30 to 3:00 pm

Phone: (867) 667-7429
Fax: (867) 633-4683

info@hospiceyukon.net

Are you anticipating the death of a loved one?

If you are anticipating the death of a loved one it can be confusing and difficult especially trying to balance the patient's needs with those of the family. On the one hand you are attending to the care of the ill family member and maintaining involvement with them. On the other hand you are grieving your own losses and beginning to prepare for life after the person has died. There is never enough time or energy to attend to these opposing needs.

The steps taken to cope with all of this are called tasks and they are part of an ongoing process. Family will likely find that they are engaged in all of these tasks to varying degrees at the same time. There is no set procedure or need for completion; different ones will be more important at different times. Looking at each of these separately will help you to understand more clearly the demands of the situation and help family members make the best use of time, energy and resources to deal with them.

Fluctuating from denial to acceptance of the illness and death

Some denial of reality is healthy and necessary in order to function. It allows information to be taken in at a more tolerable pace, and gives family a break from the emotional stress of a situation. Acceptance of what is happening will not necessarily bring peace.

Establishing a relationship with health professionals

It may be necessary to learn how to be constructively assertive, as well as find a way to deal with frustration. Family and caregiver conferences can help to reduce anxiety by opening communication lines and providing direct information. It may help to write concerns down before meeting with caregivers and have a friend accompany you.

Meeting the needs of the dying person

As their illness progresses, the patient's physical and emotional needs will change. The task here is to help in the best way possible without taking away the person's control or independence. Don't make assumptions about what they need or feel; ask before you act.

Maintaining a functional family unit

When someone is sick, it means that everyone in the family must take on new roles and responsibilities. At the same time it is really important to maintain some normal family routines, as this provides some security in the midst of chaos.

Living with the emotions of grief

During this time both patient and family experience intense swings in emotion. Having information about these feelings and being aware of reactions will help everyone begin to cope. It is important for family to let each other know how they are feeling and what they need. There may also be things that people prefer to discuss with someone outside the family unit.

Dealing with people outside the family

There may be little energy for outside relationships and commitments at this time. Often, other people's reactions may be unpredictable and difficult. Some friends or helpers may be too involved or too cheerful; others may avoid talking about the illness or even visiting the person who is ill. Many people don't understand what family members are going through and it is hard not to resent others' stability and good fortune.

Anticipating the family's new reality after the death

It is impossible to imagine the future. However, estate planning, advanced directives, dealing with different kinds of unfinished business and building in supports are things that can help family members to prepare. The important thing is to do the best you can.

Finding appropriate hope

What everyone hopes for throughout this time will change. Long term plans need to be replaced by short term plans; treatment aimed at cure may be given up for that which relieves symptoms. Accepting the goal of comfort rather than of cure is a step toward acceptance of the inevitability of death.

Allowing the dying person to be at risk

Refusal to take medications or accept personal help may be very difficult to deal with, but it is important to recognize the patient's right to choose activities that may put him or her at risk. However, these choices should not put family members at risk.

Making decisions for the dying person

There may come a time when the patient is unable to make decisions for him or herself. Prior discussions, an advance directive or living will and knowledge about the person will help you respect and represent his or her best interests.

Self Care

When caring for someone else, it is hard to have energy for oneself and to see this as important. Building in time for self care is crucial, e.g. sleep, nutrition, exercise, relaxation. Recognize that all members of the family have needs: physically, emotionally and spiritually. Also, family strength and good health makes it possible for them to better support and care for the person who is ill.